Archive for category Uncategorized
Is This Thing Still On?
Posted by pzer0 on 01.13.12
Testing, testing, 1 2 3. Yep, still here, still being fucking rad. I live in Oregon now, it’s sweet. I get to see a mountain fairly often in the distance, and I haven’t seen one god damn drop of snow– a true miracle for someone used to Ohio winters. I really enjoy it out here, although my employment situation leaves a bit to be desired. In a way, I’m just happy I have a job, since I know there are many folks who’d kill to be in my position. That said, I am the very definition of under-employed, and it simultaneously stresses me out and bores me to tears. I hope all of you are doing well. I can’t believe it’s been almost a year since I updated this blog. I’ll update more soon, promise.
Great Dawkins Quote
Posted by pzer0 on 02.08.11
We are going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones. Most people are never going to die because they are never going to be born. The potential people who could have been here in my place but who will in fact never see the light of day outnumber the sand grains of Arabia. Certainly those unborn ghosts include greater poets than Keats, scientists greater than Newton. We know this because the set of possible people allowed by our DNA so massively exceeds the set of actual people. In the teeth of these stupefying odds it is you and I, in our ordinariness, that are here. We privileged few, who won the lottery of birth against all odds, how dare we whine at our inevitable return to that prior state, from which the vast majority have never stirred.
- Richard Dawkins
What It’s Like When The World Burns
Posted by pzer0 on 02.07.11
I know that some days will be better than others, but I feel really down today. I’m not even entirely sure why– I had a good evening last night with some excellent friends and I’ve been getting enough sleep. For some reason I just feel morose. I’m having a hard time focusing on things, and I am more easily irritable than usual. I think it may have something to do with Katy’s birthday being this Friday, at least in part. Everything just feels so void without her.
I’ve never been one to derive my sense of self or purpose from my significant other, so I’m not having some earth-shattering crisis where I feel like I have no value or worth; instead, I am finding it difficult to take pleasure and joy in anything, whether it’s my puppy being cute (which is a near-constant occurrence) or even just in seeing friends for an evening and having a good time. I feel like an automaton, smiling and laughing only because I’ve been programmed to do so. I think there is a part of me that feels guilty for enjoying myself– like I am somehow dishonoring Katy’s memory by forgetting, even for fleeting moments, that she is gone. Of course, I recognize that I am not forgetting, that by enjoying good times with people I love I honor Katy by doing what I think she would want me to do. It’s little consolation, though. I am struggling to maintain a tenuous connection between what I recognize intellectually and what I feel emotionally.
I am an atheist. I believe that when we die, we cease to be except for in the memories of others and in the impact we leave on the world. I have always framed this in a very selfish point of view– I am not bothered by the idea of someday not existing, as I did it for billions of years before I was born, and I feel like it strengthens the meaning of my life by making me value every day I have. I have felt this way for over a decade. Now, in some ways for the first time ever, I am realizing that I believe it means that death is the end for everyone, not just myself. I have no comfort in thoughts of eternal heaven, where I will be reunited with my Katy and the rest of my loved ones for ever and ever. Of course, I had thought about it in passing, but now I have been presented with a very personal reminder of the implications of my belief system. While I do believe Katy is in a better place, I mean that only in the sense that she is not in pain, rather than the common usage meant to suggest she is spending eternity in heaven. It is something that has been in the back of my mind, despite attempts to force it away. I will never see her again. As much as I try to be a positive and upbeat guy, and having on the whole what I consider to be a healthy psyche and outlook on the world, I really fucking hate this thought. It twists in my gut like a knife, this blade of finality that does not offer any sanctum or serenity. There are not words to express how much I hate what has happened, how angry I am, and how much I miss her. I’m going to try and find a grief counselor this week, mainly because I think the reason I keep writing these long blog posts is because I have things that I need to say… and I think it would probably serve me better to say these things to a licensed professional instead of you, my dear readers.
To wrap this up, I think I am going to be moving to Portland, OR. I really feel like it’s the last step in my quest to become a douchey, vegan, prius-driving, hippy. You can look forward to me getting all snobbish about local micro-brews, fair-trade coffee, and actual usable public transit. I may also grow a beard big enough to house a flock of birds, and I’ll curbstomp you for using plastic bags. For real. In all honesty, I think I am drawn to the Pacific NW because of its natural beauty, the people I’ve known that live there have all been very laid back and accepting, and it’s so unlike this part of the country. I feel that a change of scenery could be exactly what I need, and Portland seems like the place to do just that. I’ll still be around for awhile, so don’t you go worryin’ that I’m gonna up and vanish… Been there, done that, not ever doing it again. I’ll make sure to post more once I have more solid information.
Thanks for reading.
What Happened To Katy
Posted by pzer0 on 01.27.11
I apologize for not posting this sooner, there has been a lot going on in my life and to be honest my head still hasn’t stopped spinning. To say that my world has been hectic as of late would probably be the understatement of the century.
For anyone who doesn’t know (and I apologize for this being how you find out, but I’ve tried reaching out to as many people as I can think of to let them know), Katy passed away on Friday, January 14th at around 2:15AM. It was a really shocking and terrible timeline of events, and I’m going to do my best to tell the entire story as best I can. I really miss her, and I’m hoping that by putting my thoughts down it may help in the process of healing and provide me some sense of closure.
What follows is the story, uncensored and in as much detail as I think Katy would want it to be, so that people know what the hell happened to her, and what she was forced to endure. It may be TMI for some people, but I will do my best to not make it overly or unnecessarily graphic. It includes discussion of lady stuff, so if you’re squeamish or uncomfortable reading about such things, I would suggest you stop reading here.
Waiting In The Atrium
Posted by pzer0 on 01.12.11
We’re waiting in the Atrium on the 5th floor at OSU. The last time I was in this room was in 1998, when my friend Chad was here in the ICU. It’s odd, because that is what started me on the path to becoming an atheist. This is the room where I decided that I was going to spend the summer reading the entire bible from cover to cover. By the time I finished, I was an atheist. Coincidentally, I just ordered this yesterday. I have decided that I am going to read the bible again, and then holy books from several other major religions (the qur’an and the bhagavad gita at least, I’m not sure what else). The last time I read the bible, I viewed it as the infallible word of god when I started reading. Needless to say, I do not hold this view anymore, and am interested to see how reading it from a different perspective may change my view of it as both literature and as a religious text.
If you identify as christian, have you actually read the entire bible? If you’re not a christian, have you read the holy books of your religion? What other religious texts do you think would be interesting to read?
What’s Going On With Katy
Posted by pzer0 on 01.12.11
Katy is here at OSU hospital for surgery. For those who may not know, she has been dealing with increasing pain for the last month and a half. We have been through a terrible ordeal to get it taken seriously. What started as an inconvenient pain had become excruciating to the point that she had a difficult time getting out of bed, moving, or breathing. Taking her on a car ride made me feel awful, every time we would hit a bump I would hear her gasp in pain. We ended up having to go to an urgent care on Christmas Eve. They gave her percocet, which helped manage the pain for a bit, but it proved ineffective about an hour after taking the pill.
It finally progressed to the point where we went to the hospital. They did an ultrasound, CT scan, and MRI, and said that it looked like she might have a pinched nerve and a pelvic infection. They sent her home with about 8 different prescriptions, and said, “take these pills, they’ll make you better.”
Needless to say, that did not happen. Her pain continued to get worse, so we went back to the ER. They chastised us for coming in, and basically treated us like we were just there to get pain meds. She had been throwing up her pills, so they gave her a prescription for anti-nausea meds and sent her home. She began to throw up her anti-nausea meds, so we went to the ER for a third time (this time to Riverside, the previous two times we went to Dublin Methodist). They gave her a shot of morphine, and told us to go see our family doctor. Our family doctor ordered a CT scan with contrast, and called us in the next day to tell us that they found a tumor. We have since been to two different doctors, and they both confirmed this diagnosis. Katy is in surgery today to attempt to discover the extent and nature of the tumor. They are going to do a biopsy to determine whether or not the tumor is cancerous. They also may do a laparoscopy, which would involve making a small incision to insert a camera, which will then allow them to get a better view of the tumor and how it’s attached. The oncologist also said that they are going to attempt to remove the tumor, as long as doing so will not endanger Katy’s life.
She’s been in the OR for about an hour at this point (since 8:30AM). They’re going to do a biopsy while Katy is on the table, and that will let us know whether or not it is cancerous. If they’re unable to remove the tumor, Katy will be going through chemo. The oncologist said she recommends chemo even if they ARE able to remove the tumor, because that will ensure there are no cancerous cells anywhere else in her body.
I would like to thank everyone that has offered their assistance and well-wishes during this arduous journey, it’s very appreciated. I’m sorry we’ve been vague about what has been happening, we didn’t want to say anything until we actually knew what was going on. I’ll try my best to keep everyone updated.
Is It Offensive To Call Religion Silly?
Posted by pzer0 on 01.04.11
I had a conversation earlier today with someone that accused me of being offensive because I said that her beliefs are silly and akin to magic. While I can definitely see why someone might take umbrage at this statement, I’d like to actually break this down and see if calling religion silly is offensive in and of itself. Before we get in to that, let’s start with magic.
Definition of Magic (bold emphasis and [ ] comments mine)
1 a : the use of means (as charms or spells) believed to have supernatural power over natural forces
b : magic rites or incantations [such as prayer]
2 a : an extraordinary power or influence seemingly from a supernatural source
b : something that seems to cast a spell : enchantment [again, like prayer... a series of words spoken in order to achieve a desired result]
As we can see, it is far from a stretch to equate religion with magic. Religion, like magic, invokes supernatural powers to explain our creation, attribute miracles to their god, ask for rewards (both in this life and the afterlife), and even to explain the supposed resurrection of Jesus Christ. It is not offensive to equate religion with magic, it is at best a semantic argument– and a poor one at that.
What about calling religion silly? While I will admit a poor choice in words, I stand by my assessment. If I had thought about it, perhaps illogical or irrational would be a word better suited to describe my thoughts on religion. However, as these are synonyms of silly (albeit slightly less loaded), I still believe it is a fair term to use to describe a belief system that trades logic for faith. This is not to say that I believe religious people are stupid, obviously quite a few intelligent people are people of faith. I do believe that, regardless of intelligence, there is a disconnect between rational thought and religious fervor. This is considered offensive because people do not like to be called irrational.
However, the fact of the matter is that our society constantly validates belief in god. It is on our money, it was added to our pledge of allegiance during the red scare, and it permeates our culture so deeply that seeing references to christianity, faith, or religion in news, media, music, and even advertisements is a daily occurrence if you’re paying attention. An atheist saying that he or she does not believe in god and that those who do are illogical is offensive, but saying that you believe in a literal interpretation of John 14:6 and that everyone who does not agree with your religious beliefs will burn in hell somehow gets a free pass. It’s mind-bogglingly hypocritical. If you get to believe that I will burn in hell for all of time after I die, then I get to believe that you’re a bit unbalanced when it comes to your religious beliefs. I consider that a reasonable trade-off.
I’m not entirely sure where the religious persecution complex comes from– barring minor quibbles over methods and timeframes for baptism, predestination vs. free will, and whether or not statues of saints are a form of idolatry, the VAST majority of this country are in agreement that there is a personal, loving god who sent his son Jesus Chris to die for their sins. The war on Christmas, ridiculous anecdotal chain emails about religion or the bible being “banned” from public schools, the “secularization of society”– it truly seems that christians feel they are constantly under attack. No one is feeding you to lions, no one is forcing you to accept the mark of the beast in order to partake in commerce, no one is burning down your church.
That would just be silly.
Life, And Other Bored Games
Posted by pzer0 on 01.04.11
So far 2011 has been a heckuva year. I’m really sorry if my tweets and facebook status updates have been somber and melancholic as of late, things have not been ideal in my personal life. Katy has been dealing with some undefined illness (if you follow me on twitter or are friends with me on facebook, I’ll spare you the rehash– needless to say it’s been troubling, frustrating, and unresolved), our 2 month old puppy got sick, and I have been struggling with trying to get registered for classes. At this point, it looks like I’m going to have to make some student loan payments due to the ineptitude of ITT (their inability to successfully mail a transcript) and the laziness of Franklin (their seeming lack of desire to register a new student). Money is always troublesome. There is never enough of it when you need some, and when you have a surplus it always seems to disappear.
There are some positive notes in all of this. Katy and I got engaged, and will probably marry this year, so it appears 2011 will have some bright spots. We are discussing opening a restaurant, although it will likely be several years down the line. My friend Robert self-published a novel on Amazon (Cagey and 2 others, I highly recommend it – http://t.co/dQXknYd), which has made me think about getting back to the story that I was working on years ago. I had over 60 pages written on an old laptop, when the hard drive died and I was unable to retrieve any of the data. It was a lesson on backups. I think that I will begin working on it again. I enjoy my job and the people I work with, which is a welcome change for me. My primary resolution for 2011 is to not take things so seriously, to realize that not every roadblock is a wall (or the end of the world), and to take solace in the people and things I have in my life that bring me joy.
I also have begun to be more vocal about my beliefs (or, more specifically, my lack of beliefs). I have been an atheist since the age of 18, after spending the better part of my youth as a very active evangelical christian. While my de-conversion experience was not a simple process, or an easy one, I became a fairly staunch atheist and spent a good part of my early 20s active with a few humanist and free-thinker groups. As I entered in to my mid-20s, I began to back off from being as outspoken and confrontational, even going so far as to label myself as agnostic to avoid the negative associations most people think of when they hear the word “atheist”. No more. I am an atheist. My jury is not out, I do not believe it is unknowable. I believe that the concept of god put forth by the christian faith (and others, but let’s deal specifically with that since it’s the most common belief in western society) is something that would manifest in an overwhelming abundance of evidence if it were true, and since no such evidence exists a rational person must come to the conclusion that no such god exists, either. I reject all gods as superstition, and belief in them as counter-productive to both reason and societal progress. As a direct consequence of my reacquired voice, I have recently lost a few friends (and will probably lose more), but I would rather by honest with myself and the world than to hide behind a ruse for the sake of not offending the delicate sensibilities of others. If you are a believer of any religion, I am still quite happy to count you as a friend, but I reserve the right to be just as vocal about my lack of belief as you are about your beliefs in the supernatural. I will be using this blog as a platform to discuss my thoughts on this subject more in the future, and plan on writing a post soon that describes the process of and events leading up to my departure from evangelical christianity.
I think this is something that has been stewing within me for awhile. I have felt intellectually restless, and I think that between writing, planning for the restaurant, being more vocal about my thoughts on religion, and thoughts for subversive political protests (in the vein of carlosmiller.com and copblock.org style exposing of government corruption, starting at a local level), I have finally begun to feel some connection and engagement again with the world around me. Please note that the title of this post is not a typo– I have felt bored for the last several years on many levels (romantic relationships, friendships, and career aside), and I think that this will be the year that I begin to take the appropriate steps to grease the gears in my head that have started to rust.
Thanks for reading.
You Are What You Meat
Posted by pzer0 on 10.27.10
I’ve been meaning to write this post for awhile, but things have been a bit crazy lately. Fortunately, I’m on vacation this week and now have plenty of time to sit and write! I have gone through a pretty crazy transformation over the last couple of months, and would like to share it with you.
I quit a 10 year pack a day smoking habit on April 14. I became a vegetarian August 23. I got the first gym membership of my life August 31. I became a vegan on September 20. I also quit drinking coffee and soda, not entirely sure when. I think that a lot of these changes have been due to my quickly approaching 30th birthday, but at the core these are things I’ve been thinking about for awhile. I’m not entirely sure why I seem to have developed willpower, but I won’t lie when I say I’m enjoying it. I feel better than I have in years, possibly better than I ever have in my life.
I’m writing this post because this week is World Vegan Week. While I’m sure that quitting smoking and joining a gym has contributed to feeling better, I do feel that I owe the majority of this feeling to my much improved diet. I have had 0 cholesterol over the last month, I have had reduced amounts of fat, and my fiber intake has increased. My blood pressure has gone down, my resting heart rate is between 60-65BPM, and my energy levels are consistent and through the roof. I have no mornings where I can’t do anything until I’ve had my cup of coffee, and then have a food coma after lunch because I had an unhealthy meal full of processed foods and junk. I feel better about the foods I eat, my taste buds have changed to the point where I no longer even have to put dressing on salad to enjoy the taste (and this is coming from someone that used to load my salad up with cheese and ranch dressing), and as an added bonus I’ve lost 30 pounds. Also, while many of the people I work with have been ill to the point of missing several days of work, I have had nothing more than a sniffle. I guarantee you that if you choose to become a vegan and begin to make healthy food choices, you will feel better as a result. You’ll probably look better. You’ll also probably live longer.
I know that people don’t like they’re being preached to or judged– goodness knows that I don’t either. I am sharing this with you because of my convictions that it is a healthy and more compassionate way of living, and that what has benefited me can benefit you in a similar fashion. Heart disease, cancer, and obesity are the biggest causes of disease and illness in this country, and I have made the decision to not fall in to the same trap as so many others do. You can make that choice, too. Here are some good resources to check out if you’re interested in becoming a vegan or vegetarian, of if you just want to research it because you’re curious:
World Go Vegan week
Vegan A Go-Go
3 raw meals on $10 a day or less
3 vegan meals on $10 a day or less
VegWeb
Doubting Thomas
Posted by pzer0 on 10.12.10
I’ve been making a concerted effort to eat better as of late, both from an ethical and a health perspective. While the reasons behind this really deserve a post of their own (and one will be forthcoming, probably within the next few days), I wanted to express some dismay about my breakfast. About a month and a half ago, Katy and I made the transition to a vegan diet. I have been searching for foods that are both filling and wholesome, and I thought I had found a perfect meal in Thomas Light Multigrain English muffins. They are 100 calories, have 1/3 of your daily recommended fiber intake, are reasonably low in carbohydrates and sodium, and taste pretty darn good. I would have one half with Cascadian organic blackberry jam, and the other half with Maranatha almond butter. All told, my breakfast clocked in at about 240 calories and I was mildly hungry by lunchtime, but only in the “boy lunch sure sounds good” sense rather than a “dear lord my stomach is devouring itself” sense.
Yummy Vegan Breakfast
I was caught by surprise last night when Katy brought up the fact that the English muffins are not vegan. I checked, and sure enough it clearly says “Whey (milk)” and “non-fat milk” in the ingredient list. What’s annoying about this is that we both have become very vigilant about checking the ingredient lists of things we eat now, going so far as to check ingredients we’re unsure/have never heard of to verify that they do not come from animal derived sources. I could have sworn that I checked the ingredient list, but apparently I just zoned out or imagined doing that. My first instinct was to just replace the English muffin with a bagel thin, as they are roughly the same calorie-wise. However, after checking the ingredient list this morning, it turns out that they (and many other bagel/English muffin/bread products) have Sodium Stearoyl Lactylate, which is one of those ambiguous “maybe vegan, maybe not” that may have animal byproducts or could be 100% plant derived. Since most manufacturers do not feel it necessary to clearly label whether it is vegan or not, and standing in a grocery aisle at 6:45AM is not generally the best time to call a company and ask them about the source of their sodium stearoyl lactylate (not to mention the low likelihood of getting anyone on the phone who would actually know the answer, regardless of the time), I chose to err on the side of caution. I started looking at other brands, having found 3 that include ingredients that are clearly or ambiguously not vegan, and I was pleasantly surprised that Kroger whole wheat English muffins had the shortest ingredient list out of all the products I saw, and appeared to be vegan as well! I spent about 5 minutes looking up various ingredients to verify, and then flipped the package over and noticed that it is clearly labeled on the front as vegan! Happy day! They are about 30 calories more than the Thomas English muffins, but that’s a small price to pay in my opinion.
It’s great to see Kroger providing options for people with special dietary restrictions, and they have minimized their packaging (just a plastic bag vs. a plastic bag and cardboard for other brands). Way to go, Kroger!
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