I know that some days will be better than others, but I feel really down today. I’m not even entirely sure why– I had a good evening last night with some excellent friends and I’ve been getting enough sleep. For some reason I just feel morose. I’m having a hard time focusing on things, and I am more easily irritable than usual. I think it may have something to do with Katy’s birthday being this Friday, at least in part. Everything just feels so void without her.
I’ve never been one to derive my sense of self or purpose from my significant other, so I’m not having some earth-shattering crisis where I feel like I have no value or worth; instead, I am finding it difficult to take pleasure and joy in anything, whether it’s my puppy being cute (which is a near-constant occurrence) or even just in seeing friends for an evening and having a good time. I feel like an automaton, smiling and laughing only because I’ve been programmed to do so. I think there is a part of me that feels guilty for enjoying myself– like I am somehow dishonoring Katy’s memory by forgetting, even for fleeting moments, that she is gone. Of course, I recognize that I am not forgetting, that by enjoying good times with people I love I honor Katy by doing what I think she would want me to do. It’s little consolation, though. I am struggling to maintain a tenuous connection between what I recognize intellectually and what I feel emotionally.
I am an atheist. I believe that when we die, we cease to be except for in the memories of others and in the impact we leave on the world. I have always framed this in a very selfish point of view– I am not bothered by the idea of someday not existing, as I did it for billions of years before I was born, and I feel like it strengthens the meaning of my life by making me value every day I have. I have felt this way for over a decade. Now, in some ways for the first time ever, I am realizing that I believe it means that death is the end for everyone, not just myself. I have no comfort in thoughts of eternal heaven, where I will be reunited with my Katy and the rest of my loved ones for ever and ever. Of course, I had thought about it in passing, but now I have been presented with a very personal reminder of the implications of my belief system. While I do believe Katy is in a better place, I mean that only in the sense that she is not in pain, rather than the common usage meant to suggest she is spending eternity in heaven. It is something that has been in the back of my mind, despite attempts to force it away. I will never see her again. As much as I try to be a positive and upbeat guy, and having on the whole what I consider to be a healthy psyche and outlook on the world, I really fucking hate this thought. It twists in my gut like a knife, this blade of finality that does not offer any sanctum or serenity. There are not words to express how much I hate what has happened, how angry I am, and how much I miss her. I’m going to try and find a grief counselor this week, mainly because I think the reason I keep writing these long blog posts is because I have things that I need to say… and I think it would probably serve me better to say these things to a licensed professional instead of you, my dear readers.
To wrap this up, I think I am going to be moving to Portland, OR. I really feel like it’s the last step in my quest to become a douchey, vegan, prius-driving, hippy. You can look forward to me getting all snobbish about local micro-brews, fair-trade coffee, and actual usable public transit. I may also grow a beard big enough to house a flock of birds, and I’ll curbstomp you for using plastic bags. For real. In all honesty, I think I am drawn to the Pacific NW because of its natural beauty, the people I’ve known that live there have all been very laid back and accepting, and it’s so unlike this part of the country. I feel that a change of scenery could be exactly what I need, and Portland seems like the place to do just that. I’ll still be around for awhile, so don’t you go worryin’ that I’m gonna up and vanish… Been there, done that, not ever doing it again. I’ll make sure to post more once I have more solid information.
Thanks for reading.
#1 by HEY. on 02.10.11 - 20.29
San Francisco is in some ways more douchy and just as stuck up… you should move to Portland if you want to talk the talk, but San Franciscans not even just walk the walk… they march the march and they’ll even throw in a few homeless communist hippies for free.
#2 by pzer0 on 02.11.11 - 10.40
Hahaha I actually considered San Francisco. My company just opened an office there so I could feasibly even transfer and not have to worry about looking for a job, but the cost of living was a pretty big one in the con column for SF.
#3 by HEY. on 02.12.11 - 01.40
Note: Minimum wage in the city is 11.00/hr. There is free basic healthcare. It’s mandatory for your employer to at least give you access to funds through an HSA. The transportation system is awesome (most of the time). It’s a huge biking city, also. The weather is never terrible. Etc., etc., etc. I could name you more awesome things (like our former Mayor’s hair- he’s the Lt. Governor now), if you want.
#4 by HEY. on 02.12.11 - 01.44
Oh! And, there are more dogs here than children. It’s a dog-lover’s town.
#5 by Turk on 02.07.11 - 15.06
As a fellow atheist I’ve thought about many of the same things you have, even though you’ve obviously had to deal with a lot more of the emotional realities recently. The bottom line is that atheism isn’t about emotions, it’s about facts and evidence. Just because we want something, or want to think something- for instance that a place like heaven exists- doesn’t mean it’s true, and we recognize that. But if there’s a positive point of view, it’s that Katy did make such an impact on you that even though she’s gone, she changed you and your memories and your life in ways that will keep affecting you. And that’s a fact.
#6 by pzer0 on 02.07.11 - 15.30
Hey man, thanks for the comment. I definitely agree that she has changed my life immeasurably, and I am definitely glad that I had it and that I will always have those memories. I guess I was mostly thinking out loud about how different the grieving process is when you don’t have the ability to fall back on platitudes like “oh you’ll see her again someday”